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Family Roundup: Having "The Talk" About Sexuality and Family Values

When and how to talk to your kids about their bodies and sexuality and your family values

Many of us grew up with parents who spoke to us one time, if at all, about sex. It was known as “the talk” and most parents postponed it until we were in high school and it was frequently full of warnings, not helpful information. This week two Puget Sound based experts share tips on how parents can have effective conversations with their kids about their bodies, sexuality and family values and resources to help you with one of the most challenging and important tasks of parenting.

Straight talk at an early age

Amy Lang, MA is a Seattle based sex education expert and parent educator. Her website, Birds and Bees And Kids is full of helpful tips and resources for parents on the topic of how to talk effectively to kids about sex, love and relationships.

Lang said that parents are afraid to talk to their young kids about bodies, sexuality and being safe because parents look at these things from an adult perspective. She said that parents can treat sexuality just like any other fact that they would teach their children.

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"The reality is that young kids don't know about sex - they are innately sexual, of course - but are blank slates when it comes to the facts of life, bodies, babies and sexuality. They learn about this like they learn about ponies or volcanoes. It's just more information in a world that's chock full of information,” she said.

“When they are babies, start with the basic body parts and please use the correct names! Kids who know the real names for their privates and have open conversations about their bodies are safer from sexual abuse,” Lang said.

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Keeping kids innocent won't do them favors, she said.

Sexual predators “look for kids who are clueless about sex and bodies," she said. "They want kids to be in the dark because this way, the child doesn't know that it's wrong for an adult to touch these areas of their bodies. Talking about safe or okay touches is very important. Kids need to be empowered by you to say no to uncomfortable touch.”

Talk about body parts can lead to talk about what these parts are for, and that is a conversation parents should not be afraid of, she said.

“Explaining the basics of baby making, which includes the penis going into the vagina, doesn't ruin them, scare them or somehow cause them to 'lose their innocence.' Instead, they see you as a trustworthy resource and someone they can talk to about these issues," she said.

This is vital if you want your kids to trust you as someone they can talk to, she said.

"You can then build on your 'cred' as they age. They will come to expect this information from you especially if you embrace sexuality education as part of your work as a parent,” she said.

Not "The Talk," but "The Conversation"

Carole Miller is the Chief Learning Officer of Planned Parenthood of the Great Northwest. Miller (no relation to the author of this article) started her job at Planned Parenthood in part to learn how to talk about sexuality with her children, then nine and 12. Her children are now adults.

“I wanted to do this – convey information about sex – better as a parent." Miller said that “parents are responsible for sharing their family values and are critical to this part of child development.”

When it comes to discussing sexuality with tweens and teens, Miller said it's a good idea to include talking about the consequences of making certain choices.

“We want young people to have all the information,” said Miller. “You want to share your values with them and expectations. We know when parents engage in ongoing conversations with a child about their hopes and dreams for him or her and family values from an early age – vs. 'one big talk about sex' – it makes a difference.”

Finding support

Miller said a parent can think about how his or her own parents handled talking about sex -- and see if there are ways to improve.

Fortunately, today there are classes, workshops and other resources at various health and education venues, including at the Planned Parenthood offices in  and Issaquah.

“Most parents didn’t have good role modeling. No parent has it all together but all parents can be good at it with support.”

Are they listening?

Just because they act like they don’t want to have the conversation doesn’t mean that they don’t want to talk, Miller said.

Miller recalls the astute comment of a male peer educator teen when a mom complained her teenage daughter acted like she didn’t want to hear what the mom had to say.

"That is her job – to act like she doesn’t want to hear the information but it is your job to keep talking,” she quoted him as saying.

Miller said it is OK acknowledge to your child that the conversation is uncomfortable, if it is.

"Young people appreciate your honesty," she said.

Successful parents use lots of strategies for having conversations about sexual choices, said Miller, so they don’t feel as uncomfortable, including having the conversation while driving the teen somewhere, during a walk, making a coffee date and sending email.

Miller said that the Planned Parenthood offers workshops where parents can share successful strategies for when and where to have conversations with tweens and teens about sex. More information on these workshops is available online

“The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy data reports that teens rank their parents as the number one resource for information on sex," Miller said. "Parents need to realize that they are not alone and that there are a lot of resources to support them. Our ultimate goal as parents is to see our young people develop into healthy, happy adults – including being sexually healthy. Parents are key in this development.”

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