Have We Gone Too Far With The Term 'Bully?'

Bullying is on everyone’s radar these days. Media reports of severe bullying cases fill the news. School administrators are scrambling to implement anti-bullying programs, parents are concerned and worried and kids are in the middle sorting it out. Sort of.

In the rush to inform parents and protect children from bullies, we may have lost sight of the fact that children are going to encounter uncomfortable conflicts with their peers. The kinds of conflicts that kids need to learn to work out on their own.

Anyone who has a school-aged child has probably heard their kid wail, complain or cry about a mean kid on the playground. Truth be told, our own kids are probably dishing it out to other kids as well. Social skill-building can be rough. So when your child has a negative experience with another child does it mean your child is really being bullied or just having a conflict?

I recently gave a safety discussion at an elementary school. Just before the presentation was to begin, the principal asked me if I could talk a little about bullying—to the parents. He wanted me to address the definition of bullying and help parents understand the difference between actual bullying and conflict.

The kids, he said “had it covered.” The parents on the other hand? Not so much. The principal said that at their school, they define bullying as “repetitive, intentional, and hurtful behavior.” At his school, they believe all three have to occur. If it is a one-time event then it is NOT bullying, it would be a conflict.

Armed with this information I decided to observe children that I knew, to see how they perceived conflict and if they knew the difference between being bullied and a conflict with a peer. I also spent time listening to parents talk about bullies and perceived bullies at their school. The children seem to have a much better grip on it that I thought. I heard one child talking about conflicts they had experienced. When one child described a classmate as a bully, I asked them why they thought that. The child’s response “Because he/she does it all the time even when I have asked them to stop and it hurts my feelings.” The child correctly identified and described the behavior as repetitive, hurtful and intentional.

Parents on the other hand, were more likely to label a child a bully based solely on a single negative interaction or conflict. In further discussions with school administrators, it was clear that on more than on occasion each administrator had experiences where a parent has ended up in their office demanding that “something be done” about a bully at the school. In fact, what the children experienced was a conflict—not true bullying. However, try telling that to Mama Bear.

With the reports in the media about bullying, it is natural to be concerned and we need to be aware and adults need to intervene when necessary. The impact of bullying can be devastating to children if it persists. However, children, who are truly being bullied don’t usually run and tell and adult, but often will wait to report the bullying. They often suffer silently before talking about it.

If you suspect your child is being bullied, start documenting what you are hearing and observing. See if you are able to identify a pattern in the behavior. Watch for signs in your child’s behavior that might indicate that they are being bullied. Before rushing in, ask your child how they are handling the situation on their own or if they need intervention from an adult. For a more complete list of red flag warning signs that your child is being bullied check out this list of Bullying Signs

About the author: Kim Estes is a child safety expert. Kim believes that every child has the right to be safe and that through prevention education adults can help keep children safer.